coming here has made me realise what a natural born bum i am. and such a messy girl too! i don't like myself one bit. the room is perpetually in a deplorable mess, finances are still alright but still a bit of a blackhole question sometimes (ie where did the money disappear down??), the work is barely hanging in there, and the motivation to work is a zero vector (ie, (0 0 0 0 0 0)). and i dont put myself into ANYTHING AT ALL!!! i can't think of one fucking thing ive dedicated any time, love or energy into.

ok i can think of one fucking thing. but it's still only one. i send stuff home regularly to my dearest best friend and my darling family, and the communication thing is pretty gd, almost as if i never left home. in a sense... things ive learnt: how to be by myself and do things on my own. things i like and do regularly: gym and play with little kids. but that's about it!!!!

im still pretty much the same person i was in august 2005: i need and prefer the company of close friends, loved ones. i wld much rather not be alone. and ya im still the messy so-not-together, need-to-get-her-act-straight jo. im turning 20 soon but it seems im still not out of the teenage years. oh where's my long due maturity, why's my teen angst still here? why this great tendency for the melodramatic, i don't know, i really don't. maybe it's cos over here living day to day is the most important thing. i don't plan beyond 5 days, i don't live beyond that timespan. i still dream ahead but that's just it, they're just dreams that i don't do anything about. so i plod along, i chug along like a faithful steam engine but every once in a while hysteria seizes my throat and i realise i still don't know what i'm doing after so long. i only know what days im going to pack lunch and what sandwich filling i'll use on what day.

am i going to do my masters after graduating? i don't know. the rate things are going, maybe i shouldnt. wld much rather do it when i have a thirst for knowledge (ie when im bored of work). am i enjoying myself here? i don't know. sometimes i feel damn lucky, other days im downright miserable and i say to zy "ive played enough, now i want to go home. now." am i the same person i was? i just told you, i think i am. yet how can a person be gone for months on end and not change. it just speaks of how poorly i know myself, that i can't even answer this question when no one else can.

i hope this is just the regular PMS.